I wrote a few thoughts about this topic in a former article (Relationships - Can it be that hard?). But why do so many people struggle to find a healthy and happy relationship? What does it require to find the right partner and what comes after that? The relationship topic is a never-ending story and it doesn't matter how old we are it will always affect us.
Most of us are longing to find the perfect partner and spend their life happily together. Even though the concept of relationships has changed a lot in the last decades and there are many different types of relationship models it still seems as if most people want to find 'the one'. People become more and more self-aware and have a detailed idea of what they want in a partner when we, at the same time struggle even more to commit to a long-term relationship. Being more conscious and educated about psychological and emotional topics is definitely beneficial for building healthy relationships. It forms the base to interact with others in a mature and mindful way. But if it becomes an excuse to bypass any form of conflict and makes us overthink or overanalyse everything we or our partner does or says it turns into a destructive pattern. It will make it impossible to build a healthy and stable relationship with someone.
Growth and self-awareness are very important but maybe even more important for a relationship is that the growth happens together. Healing your traumas - little or big- doesn't mean that we won't attract any people that are not good for us anymore. It means that we we have the self-love, strength and self-worth to walk away from them. We will be able to leave or not even enter a toxic relationship and that is the big difference. Self-worth is a by-product of working on our selves and confronting our wounds and triggers.
If we are still acting upon our triggers especially when meeting someone new many of us feel anxious in an intensity that is not healthy anymore. Our abandonment wounds get triggered and we might start to panic as soon as it feels like the other person pulls away. In another case someone might feel like they wan to go all in but then get anxious about commitment and leave something that might have turned into a beautiful relationship. Our traumas, if unaddressed, will make us behave from a place of lack and bring out (self-) destructive behaviour.
There is no way around becoming conscious about our emotional and psychological topics if we want a healthy relationship. When we are not even aware of our behaviour we cannot change it and we cannot deal with challenges, arguments or compromises in a way that are beneficial for a relationship. Especially when it comes to communication most of us have to learn a lot about how to share our needs and thoughts with a partner. Why is it so hard to communicate what we want? Mostly because we are afraid to loose someone if we set clear boundaries and say what we long for. The fear of asking for too much if we simply state our wishes comes from a lack of self-worth. Someone who feels enough self-love wouldn't be scared that someone else stops loving us for simply saying what we want. And, as mentioned earlier, if someone actually does walk away because we set boundaries or express our needs, self-love will give us the strength to realize that this is not the person for us and makes it possible to let go with more ease.
It sounds like a contradiction but loving yourself more than your partner might be the solution to our relationship problems. I don't mean that in an egoistic way. Self-love and selfishness are completely different. I believe that humans have a very strange concept of love in general and what we think is love is simply attachment which is the opposite of love. Attachment stems from fear and fear and love are like black and white. I am not sure how much we can really experience or express unconditional love in a relationship as humans but it is worth to give it some thought. Are you attached to your partner or are you able to love them without or with little conditions? But this might be a topic for another time.
Besides realizing how our wounds affect our relationships, one of the most important things that makes it possible to have a healthy partnership is the growth that happens together. We can do as much work on ourselves as we want but if our partner doesn't do the same we eventually just realize that we've grown apart. Again, it will help you to walk away from something instead of clinging to your hope that the other person will change. Self-awareness will help you recognize the difference between a partner who wants to grow with you or a partner that you just drag along on your journey. That sounds harsh but it happens a lot that relationships have such a dynamic where one person invests a lot and the other one takes advantage of the growth of the other - often on a subconscious level but nevertheless. So, if investment in oneself and the relationship is strongly out of balance between two people that is when the partnership becomes harder than it should be. Yes, relationships mean work, difficulties, maybe fighting but if two people do the same amount of work it can still feel easy.
Do the work on yourself first, that is the base of meeting someone you can build a healthy relationship with. Love yourself unconditionally first, that will make it possible to walk away from toxic people and situations. Self-worth helps you recognize if you are in a balanced relationship where you can feel safe to express your needs. This is why the good relationships are hard to find because the work on ourselves is hard - it is definitely worth it though if we want to be in a relationship that fulfills us more than it drains us.
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