We hear so often that humans are social animals - we need other humans around us to survive and to be. Technically yes but also no. Why does it seem to be so hard to be in a great relationship then? We can't be alone but we also can't be with someone else?!
Whether it is the relationship to a family member, a friend, a partner or to ourselves, it can be difficult to obtain a healthy and nurturing bond with someone. If we are meant to be social then why do so many people end up in toxic relationships and why is it so tricky to find a true connection? It seems as if many people tolerate to stay in a relationship that is not meant to be, but why do we settle for less?
When I look around it seems that many humans prefer to stay in unhappy relationships rather than to be alone. People assume that another person is meant to make us happy and if this person is not able to do that we are hurt and disappointed. It is quite a contradiction that we cannot nurture ourselves but expect someone else to be responsible for our happiness and joy in life. Here lies the issue, first of all we have to be fine being alone and give the love we expect from others to ourself. Our social relationships are only a mirror reflecting the relationship we have with ourselves. If you struggle being alone, accepting and loving yourself you most likely will struggle in relationships with others as well. Self-love is the key - probably to anything.
Even if you are someone who is at ease being single, living alone or just doing things by yourself and feel in general comfortable with yourself, there can still be times where you feel lonely. As mentioned, we are social beings and it is normal to long for intimate and loving connections. People who have a very good relationship with themselves also look for a stronger and deeper connection with someone else. They don't settle for less and won't have unhealthy relationships anymore. It is not easy to find a like-minded person and have a strong bond with someone. If you have already figured out a few things about yourself and others you might be on a different level. Often it feels even lonelier to be around people where you simply don't connect with than to be alone. Being alone is not being lonely though, there is a big difference.
On an energetic level you just want to find a person who has the same or similar frequency as you. We feel pretty quick if there is so called chemistry with someone but that is not only what matters. It is such a complex topic and a person that might seem like a great partner for us turns out to be different than we thought. A big reason for this is that everyone brings so much baggage and expectations into a relationship which makes it so complicated sometimes. We have to know ourselves very well if we really want a healthy relationship and this happens through being alone first.
When you find yourself suffering from feeling lonely and craving a relationship with a partner or a friend, ask yourself what lies beneath your emotions. Is there something that you haven't accepted about yourself and you think you need validation from someone else? Are you unhappy with your life and want change, distraction or a substitute for your feelings? Cravings for relationships and love from someone else or the fear of being alone can come from a childhood trauma. Most likely all of us have experienced rejection and the feeling of not being good enough or wanted. As we are very sensitive as kids it can happen quick that our parents or relatives, without intention, made us feel unwanted and we carry this trauma with us into adulthood and into our relationships. If you want to work on your relationships have a closer look at your childhood, the relationship you had with your parents and they had with each other. This will give you a big insight into this topic. There is no way around working on your self-love and your inner child issues if you want to have a strong and healthy bond with someone.
I know it can feel terrifying to be alone and a feeling of loneliness is really unpleasant but remind yourself over and over again that this is just your mind and your false belief system telling you that you are not capable of being by yourself. In our society it is not very established to be alone which makes it even harder. Nevertheless, being comfortable by yourself and loving yourself so much that you don't need any outside validation is absolutely worth the effort and the basis for any great relationship. We need more humans to be self-aware and self-confident in order to step into healthy relationships and therefore pass this knowledge on to their children.
Remind yourself to not settle for less than a loving, mature and nurturing relationship where you receive equally as much as you give. If you are afraid to leave an unhealthy partnership start working on your self-worth and ask yourself why you think you don't deserve better. It starts and ends with you - only you are responsible for your happiness. A relationship is not a necessity but a bonus - or should be one. We are social and it can be beautiful to share your life with someone else, it is not the highest priority though no matter what society tells us. It is absolutely fine to be alone and also to feel lonely from time to time. A relationship should never be a substitute for our miseries. This is where you have to be your own best friend and take care of yourself first. "The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love." - Osho
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